Saturday, April 22, 2006

Why can I feel so busy....

AND still not accomplished anything this week?

Monday morning my grandma went BACK into the hospital. It was my birthday. It was also DH day off. He had Tuesday off too.


This week was 'offically' spring break but since we homeschool, it was my plan to work really hard this week & make a jump fwd w/ the ktbunch's school work anyway. (trust me, they get enough 'breaks') That did not happen.

Thursday was grandma's 91st birthday. We went to visit her that day. She did not look good nor happy. We all pitched in to get her a very large floral bouquet. 90 carnations of various colors + 1 red rose = 91 flowers. She kept whining/moaning a bit. I suspected maybe she was still in pain from the UTI that sent her back to the hospital & asked the nurse about it.......she seemed confused as to why/how grandma would need pain medication. I don't know...uh maybe because UTI's are painful????? duh!

It's frustraing. She can't talk, her efforts @ communication are shown by her lips moving & no sound or minimal sounds coming out, looks in her eyes, or her moving her hands a bit. She's NOT gonna just say that she is in pain!!!!!

Her IV hand was severly swollen. It immediately took me back to the time, as a child, when my great aunt lay dying in the hospital. What I remember most is her swollen hand, the thin skin, bruised & purple w/ the IV. I wondered, again, if today was the day she was going to die.

I pointed it out to the nurse. Grandma cried out a bit when the nurse took her hand to look @ it, so maybe her hand was hurting her.

Grandma was finally moved into a different care center yesterday. I helped my mom out by driving down to get her stuff from the previous care center on Friday. We stopped by to pick up her flowers & spend a little time w/ her as well. She did not look good but the swelling was gone. She was asleep most of the time we were there, she may have opened her eyes once or twice. I tried to talk to her a bit, but mostly held her hand. The ktbunch drew on her white board.

Due to the infection reaching her bloodstream, her immune system is extremely compromised, so the ktbunch could not really get near her, but the staff was nice enough to still allow us into the room on her birthday & Friday.

My mom called me today to see if I would go w/ her to visit grandma in the new place. (which, ironically, is the same place grandma was sent to after she had her pacemaker installed---yikes! what a word to use: installed, I can't think of a more human word right now, sorry)

Well, the alternative was doing school work & my mom quickly remembered & apologized. But hey, who really cares about school work right? lol So I loaded up the ktbunch & headed on over.

The boys stayed w/ my dad, he wasn't feeling well & I took L. L said she wanted to stay & watch cartoons w/ the boys but I reminded her that I thought she wanted to visit grandma, so she changed her mind. ;o) She likes to rub lotion on grandma's arms & hands.

Grandma did not look much better. Still not really recognizing us. I had asked my mom in the car if she had told grandma it was OK to 'let go' & that she (my mom) would be 'ok'. She said she had tried to. She also said that my dad & brother thought maybe grandma was waiting for my aunt to come down. She arrives in about 2 weeks. I hadn't even thought of that, but it made sense.

I don't know. I just don't know how much longer she could possibly hang on & WHY?

@ first I thought she was waiting for Easter & then I thought maybe for her birthday & I wondered what else it could be...but it makes sense that it is for my aunt's visit.

She was still moaning/crying today. She felt kinda warm, even though she only had a sheet on. She is obviously not happy to be there. My mom & I are not sure she is getting quality care there, but I did not tell my mom that. (but if she reads this.....well then...lol) I assured her that I thought the staff were probably doing the best they could, under the circumstances.

There were many 'residents' rolling around. Most of them were strapped into their wheel chairs just wandering the halls. Kinda creepy. It made me think that they were like ghosts....all these people were just ghosts, wandering aimlessly in the halls.

Grandma's roommate, looked well enough & young campared to grandma, she was talking to different people who were not there. I just kept smiling @ her. It sounded like she was talking to some grandchildren, telling them not to fight w/ each other. She called me 'Sue'.

Her face absolutely LIT UP when she saw L. It was kinda funny, I had taken L to the restroom & when we came back she lit up & exclaimed: 'Well, where did you find her!', all excited. Then she asked for her to come back & visit her & then she was looking on her dinner plate for something to give her. ....then she was gone again, talking to 'Rosemary' who was not there. :(

Grandma seemed a bit anxious & frowned a few times & started crying but no smiles. She seemed a bit interested to look @ the Easter pix my mom printed out from my aunt. And we had taken her flowers to her so she stared @ those...but no smile.

I guess, in my naturally straight forward way, I asked grandma: "Are you waiting for Shari to visit? Is that what you are hanging on for? cause if it is, it's ok, you can let go if you want, otherwise, it will only be about 2 more weeks." Now that I think about it, she seemed a bit 'stronger' after I asked her that & that was when she started to make purposeful movements, reaching out & holding the pictures.....

How much longer can a person go on like that? I don't know. Grandma is strong, that is for sure...but for what purpose? I hope the time goes quickly for my auntie to arrive. Alot can happen in 2 weeks...look how much has happened in 1 week?

{sigh} I am tired.

4 comments:

  1. It is SO HARD to watch someone in pain and know that they are somewhere between this life and the next. I think you are doing the right thing by telling her it's OK to let go. I'll be praying for you all as you go through this....and for your Grandma.

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  2. I'm so sorry your grandmother is in such pain. we'll be praying for her and your family. I know it must be exhausting, not only mentally but emotionally and physically as well. Much love, my friend.

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  3. I agree, it's hard. Praying for you, especially for strength and grace.

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  4. I'm so sorry about your grandmother. You're in my prayers.

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