Monday, June 12, 2006

She's Gone.

My grandma died this morning.

My dad called & as soon as he said: "Did your mom call you?"---I knew. I told him no & he hesitated a moment to ask if it was me because my oldest still sounds just like me. I thought that was a thoughtful gesture. Then he told me she died. I immediately teared up & told him I'd be right there.

I told the littles to hurry & get dressed. Lil' E asked me who called & I told him it was grandpa...I gave him a 'look' & he knew it concerned grandma, he asked something, I don't remember exactly, if she was ok or something, but knowing that we HAD to go. I looked @ him & said, no, she died.

I hopped in the shower & kicked myself for being too lazy to take one last night. Then I just wanted to hurry. The care center is a bit of a drive & there are no freeways so it takes longer. I did not know how long she would be there before they took her away.

My DH got home just as I started getting dressed. As soon as he walked in my stb6yo told him, matter of factly, "grandma died." Then he came in & hugged me & hopped in the shower.

I was kinda irritated because I just wanted to LEAVE! He promised to be quick but it felt like forever. FINALLY, 45 minutes later, we were on our way.

I normally hate driving, but I never wanted to drive so bad in my life!!!! So it's probably a good thing I wasn't. I put my make-up on on the way there. It wasn't important but I had to do something. We finally arrived & it seemed my family couldn't walk slow enough.

I told the littles that we were going to see grandma, her body was here but her spirit was up in heaven. They didn't have to see her if they did not want to. As we walked down the hall, I asked them if they wanted to see her but that they did not have too. My stb 6yo said he DID but as we approached the door I could see he got a sudden look of fear & said no. I told him it was ok then & he could go in the waiting room.

My mom was packing up my grandma's clothes when I got there. I walked in...but as soon as I saw my grandma's body lying there, I was shocked & it kinda took my breath away & I had to turn & walk out. I just started crying & my DH hugged me.

She was very yellow. I did not expect that. Her mouth was open & there was a padded thing on her neck, I found out later it was to keep her mouth from dropping even more open. I stayed on the outside of the curtain after that. I regretted going in to see her.

After a little while the hospice nurse came by & said "they" would be by to pick her up in about an hour & half. I figured we'd wait. It took much longer than that. I was getting anxious. I did not want to leave her there, all alone.

None of the nurses or anything came by or said anything to us. I don't even think they looked @ us. It was business as usual. I thought that was kind of odd. I mean they always talked to us before, they could have @ least said a sentence of condolence, I thought.

My stb6yo asked to see her. I was hesitant. I think he was curious. I warned him she may look different, but it was ok. Then of course my stb4yo wanted to 'see'. I don't know if it was appropriate or not, but I let them. I regretted for a moment afterward allowing my stb 4yo dd see her, but only for a moment.

I started to think about how distanced we are from this natural occurrence in life. I did not expect to feel this way, not wanting to see her. I wondered if it was better back when death was not such a "big business". When you had to wash & prepare your own kin's body ect.

I finally went in to look @ grandma. She didn't seem as yellow anymore, definitely pale. I would have liked to have been alone w/ her. I did mention to my dad about trying to close her mouth, but it was impossible. I rubbed her hand, it was cold but soft.

My aunts & my other grandma came by. It is my other grandma's birthday today. My cousin waited in the car, she did not want to come in the center. It was good, it lightened the mood a bit. My dad's youngest sister looked a bit teary eyed & sympathetic when she came in. But we all knew & agreed that it was time & grandma's death was not something we weren't prepared for.

But, w/ everyone there, it didn't feel like we were there because grandma was dead. It felt like we were just visiting here & she was sleeping. My dad mentioned that it kept looking like she was breathing, I thought he was just being dramatic. I noticed it too though, when I would glance over @ her.

My dad commented that she looked so little, when my aunt arrived, she said the same thing. I regretted not remembering to bring nail polish remover & polish. Every time I visited her I thought that. She had nice nails & they actually looked nicer, pale, except for the messed up polish. I did grab & bring a bracelet that I had made.

Last time we visited {last Thursday} I thought I should make her one to wear & bring it next time, but I forgot about it afterward. I grabbed one I had made previously & brought it today. It was extra small & barely fit me, but I knew it would fit her. My dad put it on her but later he took it off so that it would not get 'lost' in the transfer or something. We will probably include it w/ her outfit to be buried in. It is pink, has 3 strands of tiny glass beads w/ larger pink beads randomly spaced. I don't think it will match her outfit @ all. She liked jewelry though & bracelets. I know she would have liked it. Maybe that is where I get my love of jewelry. lol

She was wearing a pink shirt/nightgown the last time I saw her & she looked good, good color ect. Except for the fact that her arms were stiff & I could not move them & she was totally spaced out, but she looked clean & well taken care of, that day.

Finally, 3 & a half hours later, the guy from the funeral place arrived. It was 2:00 pm. I asked my mom what the people told her when they called, she was @ work. They said she died @ 9am, in her sleep. I don't know if that is really true or that is just when they found her. I feel kinda bad that she was by herself but actually, it seems like my grandma to do that. Not want to bother anyone or inconvenience anyone. I do wish though, that it had been when one of us had been there.

We went to my mom's house afterward & I dug in the fridge to feed myself & the ktbunch. I hadn't eaten anything. I kinda lost my appetite when my dad called but felt hungry now. I ate a sandwich but not all of it. I was hungry but as soon as I started eating it, I wasn't really hungry anymore & didn't even feel like chewing.

We will probably have the funeral on Friday. I'm not sure how that all works but there are lots of decisions to be made. My aunt is driving down tonight & should arrive tomorrow afternoon. Each aspect of the funeral costs $$$. Pall bearer gloves, digging the hole {cheaper if its' on a weekday than on a weekend}, transferring the 'remains' from the funeral home to the grave site, $115 per day of refrigeration, $145 for hair & make-up ect. I am in the wrong business. lol

Death is big business.

Dh took us to see the movie Cars this afternoon once we left my mom's. But I kinda didn't want to go. I think it was good for the ktbunch, but I just wanted to be alone in my I didn't WANT to be 'happy', I just WANT to be sad...but it was good I think. Life goes on for the living.

We are going to my other grandma's now for cake & ice-cream to celebrate her birthday.
I am tired but I think it's best to go anyway or else I will only turn into a vegetable.

I said this earlier but I will say it again---I don't want to be a 'grown-up'!

1 comment:

  1. So sorry to hear of your loss, kt. You and your family are in our prayers as you face this time in your lives.

    God is with you and He'll never leave you! Peace and blessings to you and yours.


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