Sunday, September 24, 2006

Have you ever felt like such a JERK?

On the way home from Disneyland w/ my dad (Friday evening) I got into this conversation ;

We're talking about my mom & stuff & my dad says: "Hopefully, the chemotherapy will burn the cancer out." Or something like that. I'm just like hunh???? Thinking, does he really believe that? Has he not heard what the doctors have been saying?

So I gently tell him that that is NOT what the chemotherapy will do. The drug she is being given is NOT going to kill or cure the cancer. It just won't. It is to extend her life by possibly slowing down the cancer growth. I told him the only way she will survive this is by the will of God, a miracle & it is ok for us to hope for that. But it won't be from the drugs or anything like that. Scientifically, the drug will not stop the cancer, it just won't.

He got quiet & he sounded like he was sniffling & I felt like such a JERK! Like I killed any hope he might have had. But is he in denial? So I asked him if I made him feel bad...he said no he just....& his voice trailed off. Then he said, "Well, I hope God heals her then."

I told him me too, we all do. & it's ok to hope for that, we're all hoping for that. But we'll be ok. You'll be ok & mom will be ok. Implying, not ok that she'll get better, but ok that we'll get through this together.

I felt awful....but he needs to be prepared.

Then he made a comment like he better start making plans w/ her or something & I asked him what plans he would make...thinking he meant like going on trips or something & he said: "Well, finding out where she wants to be buried." I said, "yah, we need to do that....but we have time. We'll know when it's closer to the end."

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