Thursday, September 7, 2006

How will I know?

I keep thinking that I'll KNOW it's the end....when I go over there & she looks great, I know it's NOT the end. If she's up & about, it's NOT the end, if she's NOT in pain, I know it's NOT the end.

My dad was supposed to go to work today & he said no one would be there so he wanted me to get there fairly early...which is like, by 10 am. Try as I did, I did not get there before noon. He was there though, he didn't think to call & tell me.

He told me my mom & him were up all night, she was in alot of pain & vomitted, so he did not go to work. Hearing that, hearing of pain, makes me think it's closer to 'the end' than it was the day before. I was worried. She had some pretty dark circles under her eyes.

I had a dream last night that I was having surgery, nothing particularly major. I wasn't sure what it was for, an appendectomy or maybe getting my gall bladder removed.....I was awake during the procedure & had no pain medication BUT did not feel anything. Afterwards, I saw that my entire abdomen had been split open width wise which I knew was too severe for something like that. But I had no pain. I didn't feel anything. It left me w/ the impression that *I* can not *feel* anything right now, I'm not feeling pain but I am not feeling anything else either. emotionally? wierd.

She has a pain patch & it covers the pain pretty well. The oncologist did give her a script for another pain medication in addition to the patch, stating that it would eventually not be enough. {I think I mentioned that previously}... so if the pain is overriding the patch, it makes me nervous.

They did not turn in the script yet though. I told my dad 2x today to turn it in. I guess he forgot the first time & then said he would do it later. I don't think he did....or maybe he did, I don't remember.

Her first chemotherapy appointment is not until next Friday. Can they wait any longer? Goodness! When the prognosis is probably less than a year, don't they realize the value of waiting almost 2 weeks?

A co-worker offered my mom 2 tickets to fly anywhere she wanted...she says she has to 'plan' the trip. Why does everything have to be so complicated for them? I asked her WHY she wanted to wait. She got irritated w/ me & said everything always has to be a debate w/ me. I said I am not debating, just asking a question. She said because she was going to be starting chemotherapy & not sure how she would be feeling.

I told her yah, BUT you don't start chemo for a week so why not go NOW while you know you are doing ok, rather than waiting when you know you will most likely be feeling sick & tired? She said that was a good point.

I would do & go somewhere completely IRRATIONAL & hopelessly romantic. Like fly to Paris for ONE day to have a picnic in the country or something. Something you'd NEVER do IRL. kwim? But trying to get a passport would take too long. lol I think they might go to Ohio to visit my dad's other sister........because they've never been out there. I hope they decide quick.

Someone else brought a 'miracle' cure' over last night. I thought they were going to try & sell my parents some herbal remedy....they didn't. But it was some homemade concoction involving aloe vera & whisky? fermented even, I think. I am tired of that.

Maybe I should keep a sarcastic, running list of 'suggestions' we have been given that are sure to cure my mom: dried magic mushrooms boiled to a tea that will detox her body, the juice from the rind of some exotic fruit drank daily, eating the inside of the aloe vera plant, drinking an aloe vera/whisky mixture, purchasing the most expensive juicer I can find & going on an ALL raw fruits & vegetables diet & looking into the healing wonders of apricot seeds. Lets not forget ALWAYS thinking positive.

I am sure all of these things CAN be & are healthy for you (although I have my suspiscions about the aloe vera/whisky potion). And I know everyone means well but enough is enough.

Finally got started on our Disneyland scrapbook. My mom was sitting there falling asleep as we were talking about it so I told her to just go to bed & I would work on it & leave spots open for her to journal. I did about 3 pages doesn't look too good, pretty plain actually & blah. @ least the pix are getting in there though. I don't think I will have a chance to work on it tomorrow.

I have a business party tomorrow night. I don't really feel like doing it but I know I need to. I need to earn as much $$$$ as I can to help them out or @ least to have $$$ to do anything special my mom wants to do w/ the family. We are also invited to a birthday party on Saturday. I think it will be good for the ktbunch to attend. It's only slated for 2 hours so that is good. I hope I have time to get the cloth book I ahd intended for a gift sewn up tomorrow. Geting started is always what takes me the longest.

I need to get more sleep or else I am just useless during the day. But it is hard. It is hard to fall asleep & stay asleep. My house is a total wreck. I need to get back on track. I was doing ok for a the first week. Straightening up BEFORE I'd go to my mom's & a little before bed. Now my energy & motivation is shot. I'm pretty useless @ my mom's too & I am losing steam. I know that is not good for anyone.

Now I have school to do w/ the little & I need to keep on top of htat. I try to get as much of it done before we go to my mom' that has kinda replaced tidying. One good habit...when we come home...I make the ktbunch undress & put the clothes they are wearign directly into the washign machine so as NOT to add to 'the pile'. Hopefully, eventually, there will be no pile & only what is in the washer & currently being worn.

I finally got my mom to watch Bride & Prejudice last night. I knew she'd love it. It's just so cute. She was telling everyone she spoke to, about it, today. It's a musical knock-off of Pride & Prejudice, set in India. I've been looking for it to buy but can not find it.....I might have to just look online. I'd love to have the soundtrack too but I have not found that either. @ least not @ Target or Walmart.

1 comment:

  1. You need to rest, KT. Your body is telling you that you can't push yourself like this every day and expect to be on top of your game for your mom, your dad and most of all your family.

    I know it's hard. But try to take a Tylenol PM or something at night to help you sleep. I'm praying for you. Eat, too, okay? Make sure you're eating. I know it's easy to forget in times like these.

    Much love,


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