Saturday, September 9, 2006

Today she's seeing things....

I think I read last night that you should call the doctor if this happens?

The doctor prescribed Ambian, to help her sleep. Well, apparently it works way too well. She took one last night, around 11 pm. She got up around 8 am & has been half out of it all day. Moving in slow motion. She REALLY looks like my grandma like that. :o(

She reported feeling like someone was touching her legs, then later her head & THEN she said she saw something move from her lap to my dad's. Eerie. That was when I realized she was seeing things & told my dad he needs to call the doctor first thing tomorrow.

Her antinauseia (sp?) med "may cause drowsiness" & something else she's taking "may cause drowsiness" so I still don't understand WHY she is SO tired but STILL has trouble sleeping, enough for the doctor to prescribe a sleep aid. ????

She vomited this morning & late this afternoon. None of this makes sense. Isn't that what the antinausia med is for? She is barely eating....she can barely eat. But then she will be MORE awake, almost wide awake around 9pm...when she should be going to bed to sleep.

One of her co-workers came by today, Aundrea. She was so sweet. She gave her a pedicure, massaged her feet & painted her toenails. She brought her some inspirational 'cancer' books, & some Mary Kay products. (she sells Mary Kay & my mom LOVES MK). Quite the pampering she got. She also brought a CD from mom had saved lots of pix & emails on her work puter & had requested if someone could burn them for her on a disc but the co-worker who does that was out that day due to his own father's death. :o( But he did it when he got back so she brought it. :o)

I took the littles to a birthday party today. It was fun for them. I thought it would be a nice change of pace for them. L didn't want to leave, of course. I felt out of place. I know no one was staring @ me....I just felt that that oddness when you have to face someone or people after an 'event' or something. I know it was just me...but it made me almost want to leave before I was even there, as I was walking up. I knew everyone would ask me how I was.

It's a caring question, but as soon as someone asks, I suddenly think: I don't know how I am. It's the same when someone asks me if I need anything. I don't know. I don't know what I need. DO I need anything?

I can talk about my mom, give a run down of her day, her meds, her reactions to meds. I can talk about how my dad is reacting, analyze my SIL actions, my ktbunch's reactions...but me? No. I have no idea. I'm actually fine, really. @ least I feel that way....most minutes of the day.

It is all hidden within my heart & mind. I have these moments, I am concerned. I am not grieving. I can not grieve yet. There is nothing to grieve for.....yet.

When the time comes, then I will. I will know that it is time & it is appropriate & I will have the appropriate reaction. For now. I do not know. I feel......'pensive'....That is an accurate word to describe it. I feel.....restless.

I do not want to clean to stay busy. I will sew, or crochet (if I could find my hooks! aarrggghhh) or pace around for nothing or I could nervously eat carrots all day.

I would LIKE to TALK to my mom. Ask her how SHE is feeling, not physically, but mentally. What is she thinking about everything. Reassure her that it will be 'ok'. It might not be what we want, but it will be ok. I'd like to tell her that it's ok to be scared, if she is. That she does not have to ask us if we are ok.

I'd like to have the tv OFF instead of on non-stop @ my parents house. I'd like to sit & play uno w/ her or crochet w/ her & compare notes, ask her opinion on a pattern or color scheme.

Instead all I get is this shallow relation & my own silent, lonely concern. She's practically HIGH from all this medicine. WHAT is the point of that? Can't even have a freaking conversation!!!

No, I don't want to get 'mushy'. But come on! Everyone else stays busy like a bee, doing busy work, cleaning this, washing that, dusting this. Tomorrow they will move on to the next room. Who cares? It won't matter in the end. I know they want her to feel relaxed & uncluttered. Ok. What will they do when there is nothing left to clean? Will they sit down then? I understand that that is how some people deal w/ 'these things'. I know that.

But I don't want to.


I did not have a gift for the birthday party. I did not have time to run to the store to get what I wanted to make. I went afterwards....they did not have the fabric panel I wanted, to make the cloth book I had in mind, that the mother had specifically requested. I DID finish up a cloth book that was slated as a gift for another friend's dd a couple months ago. lol Better late than never. It came out quite nicely too. I inspired my cousin ( aka: my wicked step-sister) to make one.

She did a fine job too. I only needed to help her a little bit.

1 comment:

  1. Something you said struck me. I may have already said this to you...but want to share it again. I am so moved by the verse in the Bible after Mary finds out she is pregnant and that she is carrying the Son of God. It says, "Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart." You are pondering and that is OK. You have all this stuff in your heart and it's hard to get it unknotted and "out" of there.

    May you all continue to find a balance as you go through this. I'm praying that your Mom's doctors use wisdom as they perscribe all the meds. It sounds like that could be a problem right now.

    Bless you!


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