Tuesday, October 24, 2006

She's with her King now

...we knew the end was near. I literally stayed up ALL night with her. I woke my sister-in-law, Nancy, to help change her and give her Tylenol. Her fever was incredibly high (105 +) yet her hands were starting to get cold and her toes....her breathing was getting VERY shallow! I strongly felt a NEED to be there with her when she died. I started thinking maybe she didn't want me there and that was why she was hanging on, waiting for me to leave.

Morning came. I went to take a cat nap cause Nancy and uncle (he came down from OR) were telling me I HAD to. I figured she was doing ok for now: blood pressure steadily dropping, heart rate climbing, skin discoloration and the cool hands....but still breathing.

I REALLY wanted to get her (mom) washed up, knowing it might be anytime now. She was so hot from the fevers. The nurse came by to check in...confirmed what we already knew...says it could be hours or days, never know for sure. (same thing they always said)

Finally, around noon or a bit after noon, we got a chance....you know there was always other family wanting to visit with her.

We got everything ready...we're still running on empty so it was taking us longer to get our thoughts together. My brothers left to pick up nephew from school and drop off a check to funeral home (I wrote the previous one wrong). Dad went with my other uncle to Home Depot for trashbags or something. My husband just left for work. There was a worship leader and asst. pastor here in the living room, the kidbits running around, my grandma and other aunts were in the living room with my older cousins.

We start to change her, notice distinct purple bruising on the back of one calf......comment, "It is getting REALLY soon." Unaware what that really means. Turn her over and *I* notice a weird white spot on her back, I rub it and it turns into the same distinct bruising. We figure the fluids, maybe blood, in her body are starting to settle. Her lower back we also notice, is starting to look like that too, very quickly.

I get a phone call from my brother, from funeral home, some minor question. I take the phone and walk over the threshold, into the adjacent room, leaving aunt and Nancy, with mom, real quick.

They call me back....I walk in and my aunt says quickly: “Is happening.” I THINK she says, "It's HAPPENED!"  I don't tell my brother but say “Ok bye.”  They roll her back onto her back all at the same time. We, someone, says we need to cover her, we were in the middle of changing her. We quickly grab a nice sheet and put it quickly and neatly over her. (she did have a nice pink gown on because we had just changed her into a fresh one)

It's just the 3 of us in there. I see my mom's eyes open and mouth move. I feel frightened and gasp. Then her mouth moves a few more times. I gasp again and physically feel very shaky, start hyperventilating and tell my aunt, “She's still breathing!!!!” But then it stops---it's in seconds this is all happening. She is gone. Her eyelids are partially open and her mouth is slack. I know she is gone.

My aunt calls my uncle...on his phone, but he is in the next room and comes in.  "Ok, ok, it's ok, Katy. Girls., Nancy, it's ok."

It's like we're 3 chickens w/ our heads cut off.

I am gasping frantically, I feel scared. My thoughts feel chaotic and flighty. I feel weak and think I might faint or I want too...Nancy is calling my name. My aunt is making a weird cry. Nancy tells me, “It's ok,” and starts to cry. I am holding the wash cloth to my mouth. I want to cry out or scream or something. I collapse to the floor and start crying. My heart is racing.  I feel frantic.

I hear Nancy  talking to me, or telling me I need to get up or they need to make calls. Lock the door. Don't let anyone in.  We need to call my dad first. Need to call my brothers. Don't tell my dad, tell my uncle, tell him to drive. I hear my uncle who's here, calling my dad, “COME HOME.” My dad must've asked a question and he answers, “JUST COME HOME!” He hangs  up.

I stand up---I tell myself or think: ok, ok, it's going to be ok, take some breathes. I kiss my mom's hands, tell her, “Thank you for letting me be here.” I’m in a rush. I turn off the LOUD oxygen machine. I remove the hoses from her face and start brushing her hair. I immediately put folded wash cloths under her relaxed chin so her mouth won't be open. I remembered that from my grandma. I turned on the cd player cause it had my favorite worship CD in there.....but I forget to push play until way later.

She had started to look SO different when she got sick and immediately when she died I could barely look at her face-I did not recognize her....After awhile, she looked like her old self again {except for the lack of color}. I was comforted.

After everyone had a chance to spend time with her, Nancy, auntie, another aunt and I finished bathing her. There wasn't much to do because we were almost done anyway. We rubbed her down with some fragrant lotion. Then we welcomed everyone back in if they wanted. I layed down with her for quite awhile. I could not contain my tears.

Eventually the mortuary arrived. Then I wanted to cry more...I wanted her to stay with us, be here in the room where I could touch her, rub her hands, hug her. They wanted us to leave the room while they took her out. I said no. Then my brother said no too, that he would stay with me. They tried to tell me I didn't want to see it...but I did. I wanted to be sure they were gentle with her. I felt I needed to see her go....My husband told me I should not be there and gently talked me out of it.

I agreed as long as they allowed me back in the room once she was on the gurney. They said ok.

When I came back in, I expected her to be in sheets, like when the paramedics came. I expected it to possibly be over her face. I did NOT expect her to be all covered, in a body bag type thing. I was so disappointed that I could not see her. We followed her all the way out the back. Again, they tried to tell me not to watch them take her out..but I needed too. I watched them put her into their company van.

Then the pastor joked, "Ok, who's driving?"  I guess he figured out by that point, I'd want to follow them too. I would if I could have. Nancy said she would but I was not sure if she was joking or not so I did not take her up on the offer.

Now she is gone for reals. I will never see 'her' in my lifetime, again.

Yes, I know I will see her again in Heaven...but I miss her here....now.

6 comments:

  1. This broke my heart. I am still praying for all of you. I know that your Mom is free of all this pain she has gone through with this thing...for that, I am thanking Jesus with you. May He bring you comfort as you go through this part of the process.

    Bless you,

    Susamn

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  2. Oh KT - I'm so very sorry. I'm glad you were able to be there with her and I know she is in a better place.

    He will comfort you and be with you and your family.

    Praying for you!
    Mary

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  3. Kt-my heart goes out to you & your family. I know that no words are going to comfort you right now, but she is with GOD & your grandma. I do pary that God will comfort your family and give you peace. I Love you and your family & am truly soory for the loss of your mom. I really wish i could be there and give you big Huggs. Tiffani

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  4. KT,
    I'm so sorry. There is no easy way to say goodbye to a loved one. I'm so glad you got to be with her.

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  5. My dear sister Katy oh the memories of when my own mother passed away in March of 2004����������me and my youngest sister were sitting one on each side of her when she drew her last breath.... I felt exactly what you felt when your sweet Momma took her last breath...yes she no longer was suffering but the ach of knowing she is gone was bitter sweet... I too helped take care of her the last 5 days along with my sisters... I would "bear hug" her to pick her up to set her on the potty chair from the recliner because her feet were so swollen and it was extremely painful for her to stand up on her own and my sisters were just too petite and short to be able to pick her up... it's a memory I CHERISH to this day...it was like God's way of helping me to let go when her time was finished her on earth... reading this post I FELT YOUR EMOTIONS ������������������������... it's hard to believe it's been this many years already and when the time of year rolls around to the anniversary of their passing all those memories come flooding back ������������ you have my deepest sympathy ������������...{{{������}}} your big brother from another mother Jon

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  6. My dear sister Katy oh the memories of when my own mother passed away in March of 2004😭😭😭😭😭me and my youngest sister were sitting one on each side of her when she drew her last breath.... I felt exactly what you felt when your sweet Momma took her last breath...yes she no longer was suffering but the ach of knowing she is gone was bitter sweet... I too helped take care of her the last 5 days along with my sisters... I would "bear hug" her to pick her up to set her on the potty chair from the recliner because her feet were so swollen and it was extremely painful for her to stand up on her own and my sisters were just too petite and short to be able to pick her up... it's a memory I CHERISH to this day...it was like God's way of helping me to let go when her time was finished her on earth... reading this post I FELT YOUR EMOTIONS πŸ€§πŸ’“πŸ€§πŸ’“πŸ€§πŸ’“πŸ€§πŸ’“πŸ€§πŸ’“πŸ€§πŸ’“... it's hard to believe it's been this many years already and when the time of year rolls around to the anniversary of their passing all those memories come flooding back 😭😭😭😭😭😭 you have my deepest sympathy πŸ’”πŸ˜­πŸ’”πŸ˜­πŸ’”πŸ˜­...{{{πŸ’“πŸ»πŸ’“}}} your big brother from another mother Jon

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