I'll never do that again.

We arrived @ the restaurant & everyone was waiting outside. I looked nice & felt confident. The inlaws kinda rushed over to greet & hug the littles. They handed out some goody bags from their cousins b-day party that we missed. I offered to take them to the car...& give them some space.

When I returned S & l were w/ their dad & E was keeping his distance from them. Finally we got a table, more awkwardness as we tried to figure out who would sit where as E & I were both trying to avoid sitting by his dad & his dad was trying to avoid sitting by me.

Finally got situated, I made small talk & cracked jokes w/ my sil & kept asking the littles what they were going to order. It was all so ridiculous as we all ignored the HOT pink elephant in the middle of our table. kwim?

I had a 10 second pity party when my food was the last to arrive. I was fine until I noticed big E taking pix of L w/ his camera. It triggered me to think about how disgustingly he would takes pix of them ALL the times we were out together & he was TMing them to OW!!!! I immediately lost my appetite & had to literally force myself to start digging into my salad & refrain from grabbing my kids fleeing the scene!

When I felt like I was about to lose it, I quickly excused myself from the table & it was all I could do to make it to the restroom before my mascara flowed down my face. Before I even knew it the tears were streaming uncontrollably. I hid in the restroom for awhile until I could compose myself. I hoped my eyes wouldn't look to red & give me away.

I came back to an awkwardly silent table. My mil asked if I was ok--yah, sure, I'm fine, I replied icily. I forced myself to finish my salad & gave L my turkey croissant sandwich. (yah it looked delicious!)

I started rushing them to finish & soon enough they were. I instructed the littles to tell their grandparents thank you for brunch & give kiss & hugs good bye & we couldn't get out of there soon enough.

WHAT was I thinking? This IS so ridiculous. It's not right & it's pathetic for his family to act like everything is OK. It's NOT! Their son has hurt & devastated alot of people, least of which his immediate family.

We went to Disneyland alter w/ sil. We made pretty sure not to talk about 'anything'. {sigh} We had an okay time.

E wants us all to move back into the house, thinks the children will be more comfortable. It won't include him...just us. The more I have thought about it though, I truly don't think it's a very good idea. Too stressful & anyway I have come to the conclusion that my children & I deserve better! (prior to what I said about what we deserve. lol)

I thought I was teaching my children to be grateful...& they are. However, I was also teaching them to SETTLE fro less than the best. Now I don't mean materially...but for example accepting only the scraps & bits of time & attention their father was giving them. Or accepting that home in it's run down state. No, he should have been doing what was necessary to keep that place in tip top shape.

They don't deserve to have to sleep in a bedroom w/ plastic over the window because a pane is broken. Or w/ winter coming to have a broken back door that will allow all the elements to come inside. Or stuff overflowing in the closets because the garage door is broken and can't be opened.

So I had told him, no. We will stay @ my dad's home because it is in better shape & they deserve that. IF I was ever to change my mind, he would have to fix everything first anyway for me to even consider it. And I have support here & don't have to worry about bills & such.

Then I got into a conversation (lecture?) w/ him about how I will NO longer allow myself or my children to settle for second best. I want ONLY the best for them & an every other weekend daddy is NOT what is best for them. I told him he CAN fix this if he wanted too & I expect more from him & I expect him to do what is BEST for them & to give them the BEST.

I also told him he has issues & he needs to speak to someone about it. He needs to fix himself so he can fix this mess he created. I reminded him that no one here hates him. We all love him & that is why we are all so hurt & angry, because we DO love him. We wouldn't be so disappointed & hurt if we didn't. blah blah blah.

He has/had an interview today @ a dealership....the guy called HIM, referred from an old friend that we haven't talked to in a very long time that had moved away. Weird???

I may just be wasting my breathe, I know that...but he didn't hang up anyway.