What can I say?

So....I haven't posted for awhile....My world has been turned completely upside down, inside out & deliberately torn apart. It is good that I am writing about it NOW & not so close to the fact. I can be less emotional about it I guess.


About 2 weeks ago....my H came home from an improv show to tell me, quite indifferently, that he had been having an affair for the past 2 years (from what I can tell, it's really only about 18 mos---but that is part of is alternate reality, trying to make it into more than what is was/is), it wasn't my fault, I did nothing wrong & he's been lying & hurt alot of people & that it wasn't his ow's (other woman's) fault either, that he had been lying to her & that he's a real jerk (he used stronger language). And that he thought I should know. Ya think?


There were no apologies, no begging for forgiveness. Actually that conversation was still wrought w/ lies, contrary to his plea that he felt he should 'come clean' & that I deserved that much.


My initial thought was: "Well, I know I am not going to die." really, it was. See I had been through this before, the 1st time, I wasn't so sure I'd survive, this time I KNEW I would.


There was plenty more to that conversation but it's neither here nor there.


That night...I got online & sent public email to my DH internet department @ the dealership:

ATTN: Other Woman (I used her real name)

I found your turquoise thong w/ my H, HIS NAME, clothes. Would you like it back?

Feel free to give me a call ;-)

I signed my name & included my cell phone number & email. Needless to say, she did not respond. However, the entire department was soon in an uproar trying to figure out was going on. Both her & my DH had already decided to take the day off & not go in. From that point on, my DH pretty much refused to show his face there. She got off easy, stating her victimization. In the end, (supposedly) he was told only 1 of them would be able to keep their job there & he resigned.

DH naturally became quite upset w/ me, blaming me & how could I do that to her, she has kids & is a single mom you know! I was messing w/ 'her life'. We were on the way to the fair (the ktbunch & I) & I demanded he give me the $$ in his wallet (I had nothing)....only $500, leaving another $500 UNaccounted for (later learned he gave it to her, to 'start paying her back'). Then he left to an 'undisclosed' location for 2 days.....until he realized he had no access to credit. haha!

I took the ktbunch & a few things to my dad's....after a few extremely stressful days, we headed out to the desert on 'vacation' (compliments of a friend).

Oh & yes, I did find a thong w/ my DH clothes a week prior, to which he responded w/ disbelief & innocence that he had NO idea nor explanation for them. I continued to question & he continued to shower me w/ sweet sentiments about how I was his "whole world" & he "knew he had not been the ideal husband but was going to work hard & make it up to me" & how "we just needed to get away & spend some alone time together". vomit!

Yah...so it's all been pretty much downhill since then.

He's gone from loving me but being confused, to blaming me for everything, to stating that he's creating a better life for our children by removing them from an environment where 2 people"hated each other for the past 2 years" (I was unaware I hated him, wierd!), to saying that he just doesn't like me. nice.

He says he's looking for a job...in the meantime, I've had a few automatic payments out of my account, the car payment is due today & other bills will be coming due within the next week or so. Again, nice. He could have a job @ anytime on any dealership but he says he doesn't want to sell cars anymore. whatever.

I did report all of his credit cards lost/stolen so he had no access to funds, but I think he figured it out eventually & got replacements last week.

The other day I had to call & have the police out to the house 2 times because he was threatening to come & take the children away while I was @ work. It's been ugly. It's been an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. That's teh nutshell version.

I feel sorry for him, really. Because @ the end of the day, when he is all alone & there is no one to convince or lie too....he KNOWS the truth of all he has done & how many people he has & is hurting & he has to live w/ that.

In the meantime...I am working as many hours as possible @ the college, my part time job & working on paperwork for filing a legal seperation, so that we can have a Child & Spousal support order on record.

It's all I can do to go to work, my ktbunch is not used to me being gone so much & my middle little has a meltdown whenever I have to go anywhere. He doesn't want me to leave & is afraid I won't come back. My oldest one is hurt, angry & shell-shocked like me & doesn't want to see or speak to his dad. My youngest, my girl, doesn't know what to think @ any given moment & acts non-chalant about everything but yesterday & today she refused to speak to her dad on the phone. And the other night, she had a very fitful sleep & was sobbing in her sleep. :(

I am not 24 this time, I am not so naive & devastated. I am a grown 34 yo woman w/ 3 children to take care of. I am not afraid of being alone, I know I can do this, I have been for the past 2 years anyway. It's just NOT what I had planned for my life & our family, is all.

I'm not messing around, thus the reported credit cards, the email to his job ect. I know my legal rights & limitations. I know how to protect myself...this time. If *I* wanted, I could move half way across the country & still be within the law & my legal rights because we are still married & have no court order. He has no idea. However...it's not about me, I have 3 others to think about & they need their family & local friends too.

I am losing a lot & I am angry about that. 'She' was already a single mom w/ a career---she has lost nothing & ends this w/ a heart a little worse for wear..but otherwise her life stays intact. I have no sympathy for her & do not regret my email one bit. I relish it a little actually. ;-) I am now losing half my family, a family that I have been a part of for the past 15 years. I am losing the security & stability of a life I built---no, a life I REbuilt! kwim?

I am extremely disappointed, to say the least.

But @ the end of the day, what are you gonna do?

I'll live.

We all have our insecurities & I sure have mine, but strength, wit & intelligence, are NOT one of them!

Oh! & I had to make my blog private because he threatened to download & copy & somehow use them in court---how? I don't know cause i have a pretty NICE blog...but there's always a way to take things OUT of context.