Friday, March 20, 2009

I had a the cutest pair of pink suede shoes...

I *loved* them.. They looked exactly like my black ones, but they were pink. I wore them all the time. But suddenly, I found myself reaching down & taking one off & throwing it, w/ all the angry force I could muster. It didn't hit my target but landed pathetically a few feet in front of me. Making me all the more angrier I took off the other one & threw that one too...*IT* landed in a large bush, way off target & wouldn't be found for months!!!

I was in the middle of living a nightmare that I could not escape from. For all of you married or hope to be married people, I'm here to tell you that there might be a time when reality slaps you in the face like a freight train & all your hopes, dreams & foundations RUN YOU OVER!

16 & a half years ago when I signed that marriage certificate, wearing my pretty dress, {yes the sleeves were a bit *poofy* but hey, it was appropriate for a 'fly girl' in 1992}, I was filled w/ wonderful fantasies of a wonderful life & most of all, a great marriage. I *never* once could have imagined I'd be sacrificing my favorite pair of pink suede shoes, across my lawn, in the direction of my husband!!!

There may come a moment when the foundation you have based your truth on is tested & I ask...will it stand up? Is your truth based on your fantasies? Is it based on your emotions? Is it based on your *own* hopes & dreams? Cause there is only ONE truth that can be tested & will survive.....I was in that place & had to reexamine what I was going to *choose* to stand on.

God's word tells us of a *great mystery* {Eph 5:32}, the *two become one flesh*. {Mat 19:5, Mar 10:8} Can any of you, if I cut your body in half--still live? Can you still function normally if someone cuts your body down the middle? Of course not. But God's word says when 2 people get married they are ONE. SO how can you function w/o your *other half*?

God' word also states: what God has joined, let no man separate. {Mat 19:6, Mar 10:9} How does that work? Did *I* *really* believe that? Was my foundation based on God's truth or one of my own creation? Was I going to let someone else separate me from my H? Was I going to let my H try to separate us? Was *I* going to separate what I believed God had joined together?

How much did I trust God? How much did I trust His actual Word to be true? I had a choice to make...I knew I wanted the *for better* part of my marriage vows...but this *for worse* part---let's be honest, it was really beginning to SUCK!

I chose to trust God & His Word. I wasn't even sure what that was going to look like. I was heart broken, I was angry beyond words (thus the flying shoes) & I was unsure of my future & the future of my marriage & family. But I knew that I knew that I knew that I trusted God & His will for my life. I knew what His word said, I knew my DH & I were *one* & I knew I *meant* my vows when I took them.

I stepped back & began to look @ my life as God might be seeing it. I looked @ my marriage in the way I believed God saw it. I was able to step back & STOP everything. Stop *trying* to reason, stop trying to *convince*, stop trying to control the situation. I just *stopped*.

I began to realize that not only was I the wife of this man, but as we have been taught, I was the Bride of Christ. My body was *not* my own to do w/ as I please {1Cr 7:4}. If Christ was my H, I had no right to simply do as *I* wanted but as Christ wanted. Back to His Word, His truth, His foundation. UNless I stood on the rock of HIS foundation, His Word, there was NO way I was going to get through this nightmare.

I had no right to end my marriage based on my feelings or my own comfort, because my body belonged to Christ alone. I could only do what HE wanted me to do. I knew that He hated divorce. I considered all my options. I knew I could *be* a single mom. I knew I *could make it* but what did GOD *want* me to do.

I stepped back & allowed God to work within my own heart as well as MY H. I trusted Christ to do the *work* that needed to be done. I stopped trying to make MY way happen. I stopped trying to accomplish things in *my* time frame.

Suddenly I felt peace. Anger subsided....No there was never an *easy* moment. But I was not devastated. I was not dead. I was impatient. I wanted what I wanted & I wanted it NOW. I had to wait on God' timing to turn things around. Like a friend mentioned last week, I surrounded myself w/ Christian friends who would support me in doing what God wanted & waiting on God's timing. Not the world's idea of a contractual marriage, but God's ideal of a covenental marriage...

I trusted God to do the healing within my own heart as well as my H. I knew it would be work. I knew it would be painful...for a time. But I was willing to trust God @ His word & trust his healing power.

When I began to listen to God, I was able to see things more through God's eyes & to see how He saw me. My heart began to open to compassion, to see my own H as this hurting & wounded man. I began to look beyond my own pain & see his. And could then relate how God could see me. God had never divorced me nor attempted too. God had never left me when I had offended him, when I turned my back on him. Christ, when I didn't even know how much I had offended him, stayed on that cross & asked God to forgive me. {Luk 23:34} be continued.

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