It's what I do?

Last Sunday night, DH & I shared a bit of our marital testimony @ church. He went first, then pastor gave the sermon, then it was my turn, to finish up.

Pastor has been going through the Sermon on the Mount. 3 weeks ago were the passages on Adultery: it beginning in your heart, the next week divorce: not many justifiable reasons for it & how marriage is a covenant not a contract, then Sunday night was oaths: let your yes be yes & your no be no.

I had already gotten a few speeches in my head, covering various points in our most recent journey & trial. Once dh shared though & through pastor's message, I began to feel anxious. I wanted to *only* say & share what *God* wanted me to share...nothing more, nothing less.

My stomach began to hurt & I felt sick. I'm not normally nervous. I am a well seasoned public speaker, I *don't* get nervous. I had these crazy thoughts running through my mind as well: don't do it, tell pastor never mind, he'll understand, leave, you feel sick, go into labor instead!!!! I then remembered a very painful moment during the *nightmare* & began to feel very sad & hurt about it all over again.

Then it was turn. I kind of started out w/ a joke, it's who I am, right? I had 5-8 minutes. I took a mental note of the time, 7:11 pm. Ok, good. Then I just began talking. I felt a bit teary eyed @ one point & I could feel the release of that pain within my heart. It was very healing & I continued on. Next thing I knew it was 7:29!!! So much for 5-8 minutes, huh? I almost gave an altar call!

Afterward many people told me good job. Many women shared their own moments of pain in their lives...& most of my friends asked me how I *felt* being up there sharing. I really couldn't answer & I wasn't sure why.

I realized later & after a good night's sleep, that I couldn't answer because they were asking me how I felt. I do not *feel*, I *think*. If they had asked me what I *thought* afterward...I could have answered. lol

I felt *great* afterwards. What do I think about it? I'd be lieing & displaying false humility if I didn't admit that I thought I was doing *exactly* what I am meant to be doing: standing in front of people sharing my life; my heartaches & heart breaks & God's unconditional love & faithfulness through it ALL.

Someway, somehow, I am meant to up front of people sharing how Christ has guided me through such difficult times *because* of his love for each & everyone of us. HE is the only *truth* we can hold on to in this world. HE is the *foundation* we *must* rely on, stand on & build our lives upon if we are going to not only survive in this life, but thrive on into eternity. He is *everything*.

When we are surrounded by lies & whirlwinds of disappointment, HE will not disappoint. When things look impossible, He is up to the challenge. NO matter what that impossible is.

Only through Christ can we show compassion, forgiveness, mercy & grace to those who have offended us. He gives us the strength within our heart, to follow through w/ action IRL.

I hope I get many more opportunities to share. Really I do. It's not out of arrogance or wanting to be popular or some weird thing like that. It's because I know, that I know, that I know it is a gift God has given me...to speak, to use words, to convey heart break in a way that encourages & offers hope of the impossible.

Some people paint inspirational paintings. Some people sculpt amazing pieces. *I*, kt, use words. I speak.

I know, it's what I am meant to do......among the other things, like laundry, dishes & soon....diapers. :-)