Thursday, September 4, 2008

It's that time of year again....

I'm not referring to's pretty much emotional trigger time!

Aug 30, 2 years ago, my mom was given her diagnosis, which was a death sentence. The following two months were ---well, they aren't anything I can really describe. It was really as if she left me, left all of us, that was only a few more days of her being fully 'there' & herself.

Physically she was here about 2 mos longer, but SHE was gone even before that.

Then toss in the anniversary of 9/11 which caused the entire country to go into a state of shock, depression, grief & emotional chaos.

And last year.......Sept 7, 2007---MY personal nightmare began....again. I never imagined a year after my mother's death, I'd be fighting another crazy battle of seemingly epic emotional proportions. kwim?

@ least w/ my mom, I knew God had prepared me for it, before hand. He told me something would be 'happening' & he'd be w/ me. I knew he was. I knew he was w/ me during the 'nightmare' of last year too...but it was different. I wasn't so prepared. I wasn't anything.

So each day is filled w/ various memories that spring up unexpectedly & I am here trying to hold onto something solid.

The hyper-emotionalism of pg does NOT help.

Sometimes the triggers catch me so off guard...but the mind & body remember, even if it is hidden deep back--it's still there.

I was hit w/ a bout of extreme tiredness this past weekend. Kinda just crept up on me. It wasn't until yesterday or so I realized what it was...the anniversary of my mother's diagnosis.

I remember everyone not really understanding while *I* immediately got online & began researching. *I* knew it was fatal--but I felt no one else seemed to understand that or didn't want to know. I needed to know--what were we up against, what were we fighting. I needed to know the details & the truth, however harsh it was.

And I remember my mom calling me from the hospital asking me to look up on line the life expectency of a person diagnosed w/ Pancreatic Cancer. I said ok but inside I thought NO WAY! I CAN'T tell her!!! But maybe I should have?

Then w/ Dh--there was no truth. I was spiraling uncontrollably in a sea of lies & confrontations that brought no relief. I had no idea what I knew, felt or even who I was anymore since everything I believed was nothing like the reality of those months or what had come to light from the previous 2 years.

I do have a lot to be thankful for right now. I know that.

Thankfulness isn't always the cure though...
But I'm trying.


  1. ((((Katy))))
    I have some 'trigger times', too.

  2. (((((Hugs))))) my friend.
    Praying for you during this time of 'memories.'


  3. Katy,
    This is SO true. June and October are my personal "trigger times", so I feel for you.

    Keep clinging to the truth that God doesn't change no matter how we feel. You are so very precious to Him.


  4. Awwww...I'm praying for you as you go through this season.

    :-) Susan


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