It's that time of year again....

I'm not referring to school...it's pretty much emotional trigger time!

Aug 30, 2 years ago, my mom was given her diagnosis, which was a death sentence. The following two months were ---well, they aren't anything I can really describe. It was really as if she left me, left all of us, that day....it was only a few more days of her being fully 'there' & herself.

Physically she was here about 2 mos longer, but SHE was gone even before that.

Then toss in the anniversary of 9/11 which caused the entire country to go into a state of shock, depression, grief & emotional chaos.

And last year.......Sept 7, 2007---MY personal nightmare began....again. I never imagined a year after my mother's death, I'd be fighting another crazy battle of seemingly epic emotional proportions. kwim?

@ least w/ my mom, I knew God had prepared me for it, before hand. He told me something would be 'happening' & he'd be w/ me. I knew he was. I knew he was w/ me during the 'nightmare' of last year too...but it was different. I wasn't so prepared. I wasn't anything.

So each day is filled w/ various memories that spring up unexpectedly & I am here trying to hold onto something solid.

The hyper-emotionalism of pg does NOT help.

Sometimes the triggers catch me so off guard...but the mind & body remember, even if it is hidden deep back--it's still there.

I was hit w/ a bout of extreme tiredness this past weekend. Kinda just crept up on me. It wasn't until yesterday or so I realized what it was...the anniversary of my mother's diagnosis.

I remember everyone not really understanding while *I* immediately got online & began researching. *I* knew it was fatal--but I felt no one else seemed to understand that or didn't want to know. I needed to know--what were we up against, what were we fighting. I needed to know the details & the truth, however harsh it was.

And I remember my mom calling me from the hospital asking me to look up on line the life expectency of a person diagnosed w/ Pancreatic Cancer. I said ok but inside I thought NO WAY! I CAN'T tell her!!! But maybe I should have?

Then w/ Dh--there was no truth. I was spiraling uncontrollably in a sea of lies & confrontations that brought no relief. I had no idea what I knew, felt or even who I was anymore since everything I believed was nothing like the reality of those months or what had come to light from the previous 2 years.

I do have a lot to be thankful for right now. I know that.

Thankfulness isn't always the cure though...
But I'm trying.