It's STILL the season of Restoration

Do NOT be discouraged. Crazy stuff (the good kind of crazy) is happening all around. God IS lining it all up, beyond your imagination. HOLD tight to ALL those prophetic words, personal promises, scriptures etc that God has spoken to you. Hold them close to your heart.

I could make a LONG list of 'restoration' events and situations that have happen to me recently and this past year. Each time I am SO amazed. GIVE thanks. BE ready. In season and out. We TRULY have NO idea just HOW freaking CRAZY God is. And the CRAZY Love He has for us.

He KNOWS the desires of your HEART. NOT just what you are praying for--but the deep, true, desires you have...even if you aren't praying them--even when your prayers contradict--even when you have no idea you desire it--HE knows. And that is what He is working to accomplish.

Be OPEN to receive ALL that God has for you. He is UNlimited! Don't limit Him to your own ideas and imaginations of how your life, marriage, family, job etc will be. He WILL do above and beyond what you can possibly imagine. He desires WHOLENESS for you, for your {future} spouse, for your family--ALL your family. 

"Restoration" is for EVERY aspect of your life! He wants it ALL! Surrender to Him. Let go of the fear. He wants the BEST for you.

Be strong & courageous. Do NOT give up. Surrender to the *process*. ♥ ♥ ♥

Happy Saturday!

You can Forgive and Forget

Yesterday, I remembered an offense that had been perpetrated against me, by someone very close to me. I had completely forgotten about it. I don't know what even triggered the memory. I felt nothing about it. No emotional response whatsoever.

There was no sting, pain or even disappointment. I truly felt
nothing. I can't even remember what the offense was even now, while I am writing. It has become so insignificant, that it takes up no space in my memory.

When you choose to forgive and allow God to do the work within your heart, He really does. Just as He blots out our transgressions from His own memory, He has the power to remove from our memory, transgressions against us, as well.

That is real freedom.

Tuesday on Set

Yesterday was crazy on set...today was more low key though there were more people here...that I know personally too. Yesterday there were homeless people--I mean actual homeless people to play homeless people in a church/mission scene.

One was a transvestite and he exposed his breast to me and threw off his wig in a fit...it was interesting to me that I could immediately tell he was reacting to an incident, internalizing and taking the situation completely personal when it was completely NOT personal--not about him at all.

I could see that he had been hurt in life...before he confirmed it I knew; prostitution, drug use...a very abused and hurt individual...a life led by addictions, alcohol, lack of identity, exploitation and self abuse...very sad. So what to do?

I believe a few years ago..or maybe just any other day I would have just stayed there to myself with my friend, conversing and ignored him completely. But for some reason, I did not feel socially afraid of him in any way and did not feel like I wanted or needed to ignore him.

So since he was still getting upset...I turned to him and simply acknowledged his pain. Then I bent down a bit to look in his eyes and put my hand on his big gnarly man hand with the long red painted fingernails and began to speak to him.

"It sounds like you have been very hurt. You are right, you are here for a purpose and God does love you." I continued, "Whatever happened inside there, is between those people and God. They are going to answer for that.  But we, are going to just let it go and forgive...and be free," I took a deep breathe, indicating and encouraging that he do the same.

I spoke softly, encouraging him to quiet down and knowing he was hungry continued, "You're going to get some food, let's just quiet down and everything is going to be ok. We are going to be free and forgive. Just take a deep breath and simply let go, release and forgive."

He did calm down...he was pretty teary eyed by then. "Thank You," he said.

I feel like the instinct is to think I did something great for this man--went out of my comfortable bubble and 'oh look at me a member of the great white hope, reaching out!' But really--*I* certainly don't think that at all. I don't feel special and I don't even think *I* did anything special at all. My eyes were opened to recognize a hurting individual, a human being...who carries his baggage right there with him at all times...mainly in the form of artificial feminine breasts that are permanently attached to his chest. 

He had two bullet wound scars on his right arm...beside a long scar running the length of the inside of his forearm...I think 'track mark' scars on the inside of both elbows, a bypass surgery scar over his heart, long scars along his neck and across his left forearm...and he was missing some teeth.

He also wore a hospital identification bracelet but it didn't look new.

I think it all seemed so obvious to me because...because...I don't know exactly...because of my own life and the need for forgiveness? Being able to recognize when another person over reacts--compassion is stirred if you are aware. If you understand the need for forgiveness and the freedom it carries when you do. His name was Ericka but I think his birth name was Tony.

He finally left after being told to be quiet for the last time.

"I am leaving! I AM a star and what you people are doing in there is WRONG! I am going to make my own tape and then you will see!" He said to the assistant that told him to be quiet.

He came back later when he realized he forgot his blanket. Then he walked around to the back of the building to ask for one of the producers, to get him and his friends some food. He had left before lunch.

Later we realized someone stole my four year old's ice cream $$$ from my bag...but we all had our lap tops and Iphones out in the dressing room so I figured that was a small price to pay for nothing else of higher value, being stolen. A costumer's atm card and the make-up girl's credit card were stolen...but not cash from their wallets or other cards...interesting.

I thought it was a good day over all.

Sometimes you have to run Alone

I did a 10k this morning, I used to run regularly but haven't since last year...just walking. I'm out of "run" shape but NOT out of heart. I went to the race alone. No cheering squad and no one waiting for me at the finish line.

I had to walk...a lot. I couldn't run the whole thing. Naturally, I've got nothing but my thoughts...and time. I was sad to know there wouldn't be anyone waiting for me at the end. There was no one personally cheering me on.

I was running this race anyway. It was a fluke actually...unexpected. Someone just gave me the race entry the other day--I was unprepared but chose to do it.

You know--this pretty much sums up my life right now. Maybe yours too? We didn't PLAN to run this race we're in. We're running it alone. But guess what...you, we, can run it alone. There's still a finish line. Maybe, most of us were out of shape too---out of spiritual shape, out of life shape and completely UNPREPARED for what this race entailed.

But guess, what? You are going to finish. No matter what...the path you're on HAS a finish line! It's ok if you are running it alone right now. I KNOW you don't want to be alone...you want that cheering squad and we ALL want someone special waiting for us at the end of the finish line too.

STAY in the race! Because we/you are IN it. You're running it right now so DON'T say 'you can't' because YOU ARE! Keeping pushing forward. If you keep pushing forward it will be impossible to NOT get to that finish line!

It's ok that you were unprepared...God has prepared you along the way and the longer you are in the race...the farther you are from the starting point...and closer to the end! Some people will be faster and more ahead of you...and some people will be slower and behind you. Press forward and encourage those behind you.

STAY in the race!!!
*I* will cheer you on! ♥

Our scarlett letters

Dear sister, believe me when I tell you, I know the pain in your heart. It’s unbelievable at times. It’s a whirlwind and all you want to do is to be able to walk out of it, intact. There’s no hiding these types of situations. Everywhere you go, whatever you do, it’s as if YOU are the one wearing the Scarlett Letter.

A for Adultery

A for Almost but Not Quite Enough

A for Anything but This

A for Abandoned

A for All Your Shattered Dreams

A for All Exposed

A for Asking for Answers

A for Abuse
A for Alcohol
A for Adoption

Maybe you didn’t put any of these on yourself. You didn’t ask to wear the T-shirt but here it is and it feels like it fits. Maybe you bought the Tshirt and had it custom made. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that was never yours to begin with.

God had and still has a plan for your life. He promises that even the harmful things and situations, He will work out for good in your life. It takes a lot of faith to believe that when all you really see is the destruction and mess around you.

God is the one to help you clean it up. You have to let go of that Tshirt though. Exchange it for a garment of praise. For the clothing of righteousness. When all is exposed, it can hurt. It’s raw and your tender. God desires honestly of us all.

Forgive those that forced you to wear it. They did so out of fear. Because scarlet letters are contagious, don’t you know? Not really, but often times we think that. How many times have we pulled away from someone going through a hard time because it challenged our own way of thinking? If it could happen to them, maybe it can happen to us? Or we were prideful and thought something like that would NEVER happen to us, to our family. We thought we would never do such a thing. And on and on.

The reality is, mistakes happen every day. Huge ones. People fail. We fail ourselves and we fail God. We do minor stupid things and we make major, life changing wrong decisions. Yes, it feels unfair. Maybe it is. We often experience loss in life due to other people’s decisions. We may even get blamed for it.

Then what? Do we carry around that burden for the rest of our lives? Or do we step up, walk in grace and extend it, no strings attached? The real question, then, becomes; do you believe you are who God said you are?

There is no more hiding. We must be honest. We have all fallen and come short of the glory of God. That is why we need a Savior. We cannot make it in this life alone. We cannot forgive ourselves much less anyone else without the grace of God. We cannot save ourselves or anyone else. We can’t stop the pain or heal our wounds.

Yes, we can come to a place of forgiving the unthinkable—even the shame others put on us—because it was never ours to wear. 

The Faith to Surrender

Have you seen Life of Pi?

There is a very insightful moment when Pi is stranded in his little boat (after a ship wreck at sea) and a big storm comes. He's already lost everything...and he tells God, (paraphrased) I've already lost everything...I surrender myself to you. That's all he's got to offer.

It was SUCH a good visual. I know there might be a time in our life when we feel like we've lost EVERYTHING...what else is there to lose? What else does God want? 

At that moment in the movie (there's 2 moments, I think actually), he's at peace and he's ready to just surrender to whatever God has for him...even if it means death at sea but until that time...he's doing what he can to survive--again, insightful.

We're not defeated...we fight TO the END. And only GOD determines the end. ♥

Fall into God

The past week has had some frustrating energy--have you noticed that? Up and down...like things WANT to change, break through WANTS to happen but maybe that shell is thicker and harder than the little chick trying to break out of it, expected. 

Push through because I believe break through IS happening. Restoration, favor, bondage/chains broken, obstacles removed and we are entering into a time of freedom and positive change. Clarity. I believe it.

I believe a shift HAS happened but many are scared and resistant to change. We all know this but the change is what we TRULY want...even if we are collectively resisting it.

Maybe the fighting FOR  and the fighting against--are obviously at odds and our nature is to keep fighting...but instead we need to let go---like a tug of war rope. Except when WE let go of our side--it's really the OTHER side that falls down, not us. We don't have to strive for it at all. It's already happening and nothing CAN stop it. All we have to do is rest IN it. 

Fall INTO God. 

Hold on to the Promises

I was driving yesterday and looked up at the sky and had a vision of a rainbow. I had to blink and was about to tell my kids: "Look! A rainbow." Then I realized it was a 'vision', not really there. Then these words came to mind: Hold on to the promises!  

Hallelujah!


Usher in the new season. Redemption is here. Christ is ALIVE! Revolution, revelation, revival--PRAY IT IN! ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Lord, You are a good God. We praise Your Holy Name. You have provided everything we need and more than we could want. Some things we do not understand but You reveal it to us in Your perfect timing. We praise You for moving hearts. For bringing back Your sons and daughters from the far country. You provide the way of escape and You lead us to it. Striving ceases and we find our rest in You. You alone are mighty to save. We go no where that You can't see us--You are there. You stretch out Your arm and lift us up. We take refuge in even the very shadow of Your wings. You are a strong tower, a mighty fortress. In days of calamity, you rescue us. 

Thank You Lord, for answering our prayers today. We pray and wait expectantly, according to Your word. Hallelujah Father! Hallelujah Jesus! Hallelujah Holy Spirit. Intercede on our behalf. Your banner over us is Love! We shall dwell in the house of the Lord FOREVER! Glory be to the Lord God most High! ♥ ♥ ♥

Happy Birthday Baby!

This little fella is 4 years old today. I still cant believe what a HUGE blessing he has been to my
life...especially during this past year of...challenge.

I just had a knowing, a sense. I woke up early and took a pregnancy test. I cried and prayed for an hour straight, alone, before I told anyone. The Mr. was in the shower when I burst into the restroom and threw back the shower curtain.

"Are you in it for the long haul?"
"What?"
"I mean it. I will not put our kids through this ever again. If you aren't in it for the long haul you tell me. You tell me right now! You make your choice and you leave now or you stay."
"What  are you talking about?" he asked with the tooth brush hanging out of his foamy mouth.
I burst into tears, "I'm pregnant!"
The Mr. broke into the largest smile and laughed, "You're crazy. I love you!" He gave me a wet hug.

I wasn't sure but I couldn't get his spontaneous and reassuring smile out of my mind. I was worried. I was afraid. The Mr. and I were still on shaky ground, being back together for less than a year. The timing couldn't have been worse or better.

Our children sealed the deal when we broke the news to them. They were thrilled, literally jumping and dancing with excitement and joy. All our friends received the news as something to celebrate, finally.

I prayed over this child, in my womb, consistently. His existence was such a gift and a blessing. A testament to God's redemptive grace in our lives. Everyone who ever saw and met him, even as a newborn, commented about him.


We once met a woman in Target who must've talked to us for at least 20-30 minutes about how wonderful having a child is. "When I looked over and saw my son, no matter what was happening, I knew everything was going to be ok," she said. How could I have known how prophetic those words would be?

Oldest was on his way back from out of town the day Kurtis was born and this year he's out of the country. Yes, it's strange to have a 20 year old and a 4 year old, at the same time.

One time Kurtis was literally jumping off the walls...he was bouncing on the couch, to the floor, off the back of the couch, repeat, repeat, repeat.

"Mom! WHAT did you pray over this kid?" Oldest asked.
"Well, there was this book, about joy..." I replied.
"THAT explains it!" he said.

It's true. He was just sort of born with an ON button...and no off button. He's not even still when he sleeps. I am so grateful we have a trampoline! This past year has been really, really hard...but what that woman at Target said has been true. I look at this little boy, his bright eyes, his constant smile, his sass and spunk...and I just know in my heart that everything is going to be ok.

He has been such a balm to my hurting soul. I love each of my children dearly. I grieve for what grieves them and the personal pain they are enduring. It's a comfort though, to have a little one that was spared at least a little of the knowing or understanding of this grief, because of his age.

I am excited to watch what else the future holds for this little fella.

When it feels like nothing ever changes...

There are seasons in life that feel like you are stuck. You're wanting something different. You want to be anywhere but where you are. It can feel like you are going to be in 'this place' forever. I recently read a book that said, 'learn to practice saying: "God I trust you."' Every time you experience doubt and discouragement, say it aloud. It will REALLY change your perspective and heart.

Also, stop saying; 'nothing has changed.' I used to say that too. There is power in our words. REAL TRUE power. Think about it, it is impossible for things not to change. You are not the same person right this moment that you were two hours ago. You did not wake up this morning the same as yesterday, it is physically impossible.

We are changing every single moment and God IS working in every single moment, at all times! Ban those words from your vocabulary. It will make a world of difference and you will begin to see the changes once your mind, heart and eyes are open to them. We can't see them because when we say: nothing changes--it blocks our brain from seeing or imagining any changes. We've created and accepted a reality of 'no change'. This has been my experience. Until God changed my perspective and point of view.

Once I started saying things have changed...I began to notice all kinds of change. Even if it is only in you--that is ok. It starts with you. THAT will affect change all around you and in everyone you know, love and have contact with. 

Change yourself, change your world!

Fit for Life AND Death

It's not a new trend, ever since America began to pursue luxury time, fitness has taken a front page in our lives. Different fitness trends like jazzercise, aerobics, various types of yoga, pilates, weight lifting, cross-fit and many, many more attracted our attention. Along with fitness routines there are diets galore that promise to eliminate allergies, emotional instability, cancer and pretty much everything else that ails you; the zone diet, blood type diet, vegetarianism, veganism, paleo, GAPS, and other 'free' elimination type diets. Magazines, books, blogs, documentaries and radio shows are promoting new dietary and fitness lifestyles every day.

Being active, fit and eating healthy, over all is a great thing. It's proven that good physical health improves your quality of life, reduces stress and improves mental and emotional stability in general. Everyone knows this. (don't they?)

I see facebook posts every day, which I have also been guilty of, highlighting the latest physical feat and accomplishment, how many miles ran, weight lifted, and special meals created. Many of us are seeking a long life free from cancer, mainly.

The thing is, none of this matters if we are not pursuing a life of spiritual health. You can eat the best foods and work those muscles every day but unless we are striving to please God, it won't matter how long you live.

We will all die and it will matter more how we lived within our hearts, than what size we wore, what we ate and what we weighed. Our bodies were created to work together in every aspect; mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. If any of of those aspects are neglected or out of balance, our entire life will be out of balance. Your outside can look great that won't change your insides if they are a wreck. What does it really matter if you have the stamina of a leopard but you don't have love, you neglect your family, you harbor bitterness? Those are the things that will really count in the end.

True freedom is not in avoiding death but being ready when it comes.
A long life will be useless if we are not prepared to to face what happens after we die.

Power of Confession

The words confession can have religious connotations but really it's just a word that means the admission of something you did or thought (usually wrong), that you never mentioned or admitted before.

When you keep a secret, it holds a powerful place in your mind and heart. Once it's released, it loses that power over you--especially if it is something bad or wrong. There is something that happens though when you finally say it aloud.

I've experienced this in my own life. Last summer, I met with a prayer counselor (not a therapist). I was already in a place to be able to release long held 'secrets'. I was ready to finally and truly let go of hurts, wounds and offenses, some I had perpetrated, some that were perpetrated against me. I 'confessed' things I had never uttered aloud. It was amazing. I was free in a way I never expected to be. I forgave and I was forgiven. The confession allowed those secrets to lose any and all power I perceived they had over me.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed... James 5:16a

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

I've seen this work in other's lives as well. Secrets, being held onto for months or years, revealed and suddenly the 'secret' no longer has a hold on their lives. Especially if the 'secret' is something we are thinking, rather than acting out on. A wrong or false belief system, about ourselves or others.

The lack of confession is also how bitterness, unforgiveness and other negative feelings are enabled to take root within our hearts. Maybe someone has offended you or you simply perceive they offended you, but you don't say anything. You don't seek clarity or try to rectify the situation. You hold it in and continue to harbor ill feelings; anger, a grudge, it grows deeper and now every interaction with that person is filtered through the bitterness of that original wound. It may have been an easily explained misunderstanding but because you never sought to clarify, you keep the wound fresh with the label you have created, on it.

Confession is highly underestimated. Often, it is held captive by fear. I know that was how it was for me. The incident I never spoke of, never told a soul and hope the other party involved, never remembered...there was major fear attached to it. What others would think of me, mainly. It was ugly. I buried it. As best as I could anyway. Until the moment I realized I was done carrying around that luggage. It was too heavy and even if it wasn't, it was made heavier by everything else I had packed into it. All the other wounds, offenses and secrets I added to it, packed nicely and not so nicely, in that ragged and dark piece of luggage.

Finally, my desire to be free finally overwhelmed my fear and I said it. I was embarrassed for a split second but not even embarrassment could hold me back a moment longer...I saw the freedom that was waiting for me and I wanted it more than anything else. I said it...and everything tumbled out after it. It was done. Finished. I was forgiven and I forgave.

There was no reaction from the prayer counselor...I was comforted by telling myself she had probably heard worse...but even if she hadn't--I didn't care anymore. I was DONE! I was ripping open the luggage, spilling the contents and I was going to walk in freedom from that moment on.

When we confess something that is an inner thought, if it is negative or wrong, hearing ourselves say it aloud, when it's an untruth--it's as if suddenly our brain clicks and recognizes it as a lie. Once we release the lies we tell ourselves, we now have space for the truth. When we speak truth aloud, it enables it into being.

How we think and what we say are so connected to how we behave. We can tell ourselves lies all the time and then act out on those lies and eventually believe them to be true. When we meditate on real truth, then verbalize it, we are free to release when it's negative and embrace when it's positive.

I can tell myself I don't understand a situation, over and over, and I never will. Or I can tell myself; I don't understand right now but I will eventually, and I will. My mind accepts there will be an answer instead of shutting down, like I've hit a brick wall.

We can speak positive about our lives and our lives will be positive. We can choose to be grateful and thankful for what we have, and we will be. Or we can focus negatively only on what we don't have and complain, then we will never have enough, see? It's how we think and how we speak...what we confess or what we don't.

Release fear and embrace freedom. Think the right thoughts, speak the right words, do the right thing. You will be well and your life will be good.

Easter Goodbyes

Easter was nice. The weather was lovely, we color coordinated, we went to church, twice... 

We attended our regular Sunday morning services then went to another afternoon service so the pastor there could pray over Ern and his team mate before they left for their mission trip, that night. Yep. My baby is leaving the country. Eek! The Mr. and my Mother-in-Love met us there. It was a special bilingual service and I really enjoyed it. I know my MIL did too, since her primary language is Spanish.

I'm not really worried. He's a fine young man and I am very excited for him to have this experience. I went on my first mission and international experience when I was 14 years old. I was away from my family for six weeks, four of those weeks were spent in London, England. It was amazing but I can't say, as a parent, I would want my minor aged children away from me, especially out of the country for any amount of time...nor would I say it's appropriate. Of course, it would depend on the individual child, their temperament and maturity level.

My oldest is more than capable and mature. I look forward to hearing all about his adventures when he returns home. I also look forward to how this will affect and change him, as a human being, a young man and a Christian.

After church services, our family went to a local park, had a picnic and a plastic egg hunt. Kurtis really enjoyed that. It was so cute to see his eyes light up when he finally spied an egg hidden in the grass.  My family thought it was extra hilarious when I did this crazy-freak dance trying to get a large, spiky caterpillar off my jean clad leg. They were all too busy laughing hysterically to help me, I guess. We also did some geocaching, which I really miss. I get credit for the find but it was hidden really well!

Evening rolled around, the temperature dropped and it was time for the inevitable; to take the guy to the airport.  We parked because curb-side drop off was not ok for this momma! The line was unbelievably long for Philippine Airlines. Apparently, Easter Sunday night is a very popular date to fly to the Philippines?

He took my advice to pack each outfit in a gallon sized ziploc, vacuum (sort-of, I kneeled on each bag as I closed it) packed bag. He scoffed when I suggested he take baby wipes. I forgot to remind him to pack toilet paper.

"Did you bring baby wipes?" his team mate asked when we catch up to him, in the ticket line.

Mother really does know best. He'll learn. We joked around while they stood in the ridiculous line, until they were finally in line at the counter and family had to wait separate. I wasn't as emotional as I thought I might be...until that split second we decided it was time to go and we couldn't wait in line with him anymore. I gave him one more hug and the tears welled in my eyes.

I've taught him all I can so far. Given him advice he's free to reject (like the baby wipes). He's an adult and it's him and God now. And it's just me and God now, at least for the next two weeks. I think we'll both be doing some more growing up. 

Finally on our way home from the airport, lost in my thoughts...I noticed a billboard with only one word on it and nothing else: BELIEVE.